Scarlett Johansson Has Successfully Procreated

04 Oct 2014 11:19
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Today in celebrity gossip: Scarlett Johansson and her fiance welcomed a baby girl (that they made), plus Kellan Lutz talked to a "cute blonde" and Betty White isn't dead yet. When Scarlett Johansson first fell pregnant at the beginning of the year we all fretted that this nefarious foetus posed a grave and serious threat to the filming of Avengers Part Two. I mean, if Black Widow couldn't fit into a leather catsuit, would the entire production be shut down? Fortunately, using a crafty method known as "scheduling" and also, presumably, very expensive CGI, Johansson was able to film her role in the future blockbuster AND continue carrying her child to term. Follow-up: That child HAS NOW BEEN BORN. Yes, it is my honor and pleasure to inform you that Scarlett Johansson has successfully procreated. I know what you're wondering: How do human beings procreate? But I am honestly not sure about that, so please Bing it or something. What I CAN tell you is that spawn Johansson is a baby girl and is the product of some kind of sexual congress with Scarlett Johansson's fiancé, French journalist Romain Dauriac. Another thing we know for sure is that the child's name is Rose. Yes, like in Golden Girls. Congratulations to Scarlett Johansson, French journalist Romain Dauriac, Rose Johansson-Dauriac, the cast and crew of Ave2gers, and most importantly, the human gene pool. We did it! []

Bad news for the health clinic where Joan Rivers fell into a coma during what appeared to be a routine throat procedure: Joan Rivers died! A tragedy in itself, for sure, but Rivers' death also means that Yorkville Endoscopy is now facing intense scrutiny by the New York State Health Department because-and don't quote me on this-in general people don't tend to die after visiting throat clinics. According to TMZ, "Dept. of Health has contacted the clinic" and are now "reviewing" the case. Rivers had been visiting the clinic to get "an outpatient procedure to repair her vocal cords," and, well, we know what happened next. In other no-duh Joan Rivers news, Page Six reports that Rivers' E! series Fashion Police is on hiatus indefinitely. []

Betty White is not dead, at least not yet. But that didn't stop the rumor from burning through the internet gossip mills like a wildfire through John Travolta's wig closet. According to E!, the "hoax" stemmed from an article on a "satirical" website Empire News that bore the headline "Actress Betty White, 92, Dyes Peacefully In Her Los Angeles Home." Get it, she simply dyed her hair. The joke was all some kind of misdirection to fool people who not only aren't great spellers but also tend to share articles they haven't read. Which, fine! Teach people a lesson. Just kidding, don't teach people lessons, everybody. You are not a teacher, just a basic, flawed misanthrope with an unjustified superiority complex like the rest of us. Anyway, for the record, Betty White is not dead, but she IS currently filming new episodes of Hot in Cleveland so rest assured the entertainment industry machine is still systematically working her to death. Maybe let's enjoy her while we can? []

I honestly don't even know what to make of this headline: " Kellan Lutz Chats Up a Cute Blonde Outside Pilates Class." Kellan? Who were you talking to? You didn't tell us there were any cute blondes in your pilates class? Was she new? Who was she? An actress? How long did you talk to her for? Kellan, you said you only went to the grocery store after class to pick up some strawberries and a Despicable Me 2 DVD, you didn't say anything about staying late and chatting with classmates. If it wasn't a big deal, then why do you look so uncomfortable right now? How long have you known this so-called "cute blonde"? I honestly don't like the sound of her. Where is she from? Kellan, answer the question. Why can't you look me in the eye, Kellan? Kellan. Yes, it would make me feel better to go to the next class with you. I'm not acting crazy, Kellan. Kellan, I'm not crazy. Kellan, what's happened to us? I miss us. Did she have a name? No, I won't drop it. You'd like that, wouldn't you. You'd love it if I just turned a blind-eye to all these little lies. Well let me tell you something, Kellan, all these little lies are building up into one big tornado of deception and I will not get blown off my catamaran. I'm sorry too. No, you're right. It's just that you really push my buttons sometimes. Speaking of which, push the button on this DVD player already, what has Gru been UP TO? []
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